There were a BUNCH of really bad movies in 2011. In fact, it is getting harder to make this list than the one for best movies of the year due to the amount of choices I had to turn away. A general lack of originality, the same old structures, the same action scenes with three point landing… 2011 bored my tits off!
10. Cowboys & Aliens
This movie has Harrison Ford, Daniel Craig, Olivia Wilde and a solid filmmaking team behind it, yet somehow turned out to be one big turd. I just can’t give movies like this a pass anymore because there are too many pluses for it to stink. It just feels like everyone was patting themselves on the back for making a kick-ass movie before they even attempted to make it. What you’re left with is another alien abduction movie, only this time the aliens aren’t just after us… they are after our gold!! That’s right, you read it here… GOLD. What, are they looking to buy some cool space gear with it? That, plus the very obvious Syd Field screenwriting 101 structure make this one tired movie where you feel nothing for characters and you just want it to end.
9. Green Lantern
Not the most famous or coolest of comic book heroes, the Green Lantern rides to the screen and no one cared. The movie is so by-the-numbers that you can see every plot twist coming 10,000 miles away. Do we really need to see the entire opening in which Hal Whatever His Name’s Dad dies in a Top Gun pilot crash only to see the entire scene again in flashback 5 minutes later? Come on. And what is with Peter Sarsgaard’s character? He looks like a sex offender.
This movie shouldn’t be on my list, but it is. Movies like this are supposed to be bad, but acceptable due to the viewer at least having some fun… not here. Everyone is so serious and brooding that you are bored to tears in a matter of minutes. In fact, it only takes a moment to realize you are watching the exact same movie as Sylvester Stallone’s Judge Dredd. So to sum up, Priest is just a boring collage of stolen images and wooden characters that have been replicated so many times that it is coma inducing.
7. Just Go With It
Sometimes I feel like Adam Sandler is making movies as a means of testing the human race to see how they will react when shit is placed in front of them. Seriously. There is so little effort on display in this movie that they can barely string scenes together to make a plausible story. And the scenes are so long! I would say that this is the kind of movie they show prisoners at Guantanamo Bay to get them to talk.
Why? That is all I could think while watching this saccharine excuse for a remake. Sure, Russell Brand can be funny but, here, his flighty schtick wears thin fast and all you have left is the story of a barely functional autistic man with tons of cash. The original CLASSIC film was all about a man’s sorrow and loneliness which drives him to drink because it’s the only place he finds solace. Here, Arthur is just a bumbling “touched” tard, who doesn’t have a shred of humanity and we are supposed to think it’s whimsical and charming. Mind you, not because his character earns it, but because the film TELLS YOU THAT OVER AND OVER.
Can I just say that I hate revisionist history and leave it at that?
4. The Lincoln Lawyer
Usually, I love every bad MM movie, but this time he seems like he is trying… too bad. I can find humor in the idea that McConaughey is solving legal cases in the back of a Lincoln, but it is everything else this movie is trying to do that shuts my brain down. I can’t even begin to tell you what it’s about because I zoned out after 10 minutes. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past this is not!!
3. Conan The Barbarian
Conan is at the heart of my very being. I have read the novels, comics, seen the movies, worn the loin cloth… I even have a replica of his sword. I should be excited for a new Conan movie… I’m not. In fact, I was totally against it because I knew it would be a farce. With all that being said, even I wasn’t prepared for how God awful this is. Here are 10 points of bullshit that sum up this film…
- The overly dense prologue is narrated by Morgan Freeman.
- Conan’s dad is Ron Pearlman.
- Conan is a bad-ass from the age of six making you feel like he earns nothing. He knows it all, so he should be able to kill everyone easily, right?
- Lack of HOT CHICKS.
- Rose McGowan pretending she is Witchypoo.
- The sand skeleton attackers… no point and seemingly no end to a super droll action scene.
- Lack of HOT CHICKS.
- Conan smirks, doing one-liners, then yells for no reason. In every scene!!
- The entire incomprehensible ending where the bad guys move from a perfectly good temple (where they have all their bad guy shit set up) to another shoddily built, remote temple just so we can have Conan fight in a skull cave that falls apart.
- Conan gets it on with the hideously miscast leading lady.
2. Sucker Punch
I really wanted this to be #1 on the list, but there was something that was even worse, go figure. You REALLY have to try to mess up a movie this bad and they REALLY DID. It has super hot girls, boner-inducing nerd action stuff like giant guns, Nazi fights and samurai swords – how can it be bad?! IT IS!! The greatest sin is that the movie is boring. BORING! There is nothing to ground you to the characters, so you don’t really feel a connection and they try to employ so many twists and turns that it seems to have confused the very people making it. Another problem is the action, or lack of. Every scene is presented like a video game level with Scott Glen essentially telling you what is going to happen ad nauseam prior to us seeing it unfold onscreen. Blah, blah, blah.
1. The Hangover Part II
No one even tried with this one. Everyone got paid tons of cash and they all feel put out to finish delivering their insipid dialogue. The entire movie is humorless and the tedious call-backs to the original make you want to shoot yourself. Really, this isn’t just the worst movie of the year, it might have to be crowned worst of the decade and we’ve only just started! Monkeys, guys with little dicks, Bangkok chick boys, off-colour, racist humor… this movie is just ugly.